Scrabble Fun

From my dear friend Erika…

The Cord

My friend Erika, found this poem and sent it to me.  I have read it before, but never posted it.  I think it is beautiful especially during this holiday season.  Steve and I survived the holidays.  Our hearts will always be broken and filled with what could have/should have been, but we are healing. 

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God

Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
Author Unknown

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Willow Ann. 

 

Picture from Jen.  Thank you for thinking of us.

Silent Night

 

This week my principal presented me with this beautiful book along with a certificate.  The book will be added our school library and we can keep the certificate.  My principal has been incredibly supportive of me during the past several months.  She also understands the pain of losing a child.  She too lost her first daughter.  As she gave me the book, she told me how important it is to have items like this because it helps you know she existed.  She totally gets it.  I don’t get to have Willow here, so I like to have things that tell me she was real.  That the past 10 months really did happen. I took the book home and read it.  I love the song Silent Night.  It is the one part of Christmas that I am looking forward to.  I really want to go to Christmas Eve service and sing Silent Night as the congregation lights candles one by one.  The book and the sentiment is very meaningful. 

~ The certificate ~

~ The sticker on the inside of the book ~

Memory Ornament

My friend Ellen, sent me this beautiful ornament and the sweetest card.  She saw the ornament and thought of Me and Willow.  I think it is so beautiful.  Thank your for thinking or our family!

Special Books

My mother-in-law’s school donated several books to their library in Willow’s memory.  We feel so honored that they would think of her and us.  We hope they enjoy some of these book.

 

I actually purchased my own copy of Hello Willow so we could have it at our house.  The book I Heard Said the Bird is one of my personal favorites.  I read it to my class many times in the spring when Steve and I were the only ones who knew of little Willow.  It is the story of a new baby and it always put a smile on my face.  I haven’t been able to read it this year.  I am too afraid that it will make me cry, so I think it is better to avoid it.

12-7-2010

It should have been Willow’s birthday.  How I wish that I was holding her, but instead I am holding strong.  Instead of learning how to meet all of her needs, I am planning for a family vacation without her.  This is definitely not how I planned to spend my winter break.  We have broken hearts, but are doing fine.  Today though, I wish things were different.  I wish she were here with me

 

What Makes A Mother
Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Her Ornament

This isn’t how I pictured spending Christmas this year.  I had visions of going to the mall to see Santa with my new little one and my dad.  Of having a big Christmas dinner with our families and enjoying the holidays as  family of four.  This won’t be happening this year.  Instead I bought Willow an ornament that will hang in her memory.  I had been looking for the perfect ornament to add to our tree for her this year.  I found it at Things Remembered and think it is perfect!  Thankfully the lady that waited on me didn’t ask questions, because I am pretty sure I would have cried.

 

Much Needed

Tonight I got this email from Mary.  It held this photo.  I needed it today. 

 

http://micahsgift.blogspot.com/

Dear Stacey,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Willow. She is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing her with me. She has touched my heart. She is such a strong girl. I don't even know her, but I am so proud of her. She held on and made sure that she met her mommy and daddy before she left for Heaven. That is one strong little girl. I am so blessed to have read her story. She will forever have a place in my heart. Thank you for letting me write her name for you. It truly is an honor. I have attached her photo to the bottom of this email. I hope you like it. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Mary

 

Thank you Mary for your sweet words.  The photo and message came on a day that I needed to hear it and see her name.  Thank you.

 

 

Thankful

As difficult as our lives have been since July, we have also come to realize how blessed we truly are.  We have experienced such pain and heartache, but we have found that there is much to be thankful for too.  So as we join our family today, here are some things I need to give thanks for:

• My husband, who continues to be my pillar of strength.  He makes me smile, laugh and also wipes the tears.  He makes this journey so much easier.
• Christopher, the person that made us get on with our daily routine.  We both wanted to keep things as normal as possible for him and for us.  He puts a smile on our faces and gives us a reason to laugh and be thankful.
• Our families who have gone through the heartache right along with us.  They comfort us, take care of us and continue to check on us.
• Our friends – those near and far.  The support and words of encouragement that you have sent our way, we so value and appreciate. 
• Our doctors and nurses – they took tremendous care of me when I was so sick.  I was close to being put in ICU and their care kept me with Willow and my family.  The nursing staff was so compassionate and gentle and we will forever remember them for that. 

And last but not least, I am thankful for the few minutes we got with Willow Ann.  Getting to see her open her eyes was something I prayed for and an image that I will never forget.  With time we are healing, but we will always miss her.  Today we have much to be thankful for.

Two Months

It is hard to believe that two months have passed since Willow was born.  The past two months have brought a myriad of feelings and thoughts.  I never expected to lose a baby, no one ever does.  I am still very thankful that I had the opportunity to carry Willow for as long as I did, but I still feel robbed.   No one expects to experience motherhood in this way, no one should.   Life is unfair and I try not to dwell on this for very long.  I also try not to think of where I would be had we not received a fatal diagnosis.  It’s easy for me to go there, but it always brings me down.

People ask me how I am doing.  I think the word okay says it perfectly.  When I tell people, “I am well.”  I know this is not completely true and that I am masking my broken heart.  Physically, I am healed from the surgery and free from doctor’s appointments.  Emotionally, I am able to laugh and enjoy life.  Sometimes I feel guilty about this.   The rollercoaster of emotions is nothing I have experienced before.   I can feel happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy and guilt all in one day.  From what I have read this is typical.

I do feel blessed that Willow was given to me.  I just wished that I could have had longer with her.  I know and my husband keeps telling me that Willow is in a better place.  That she is where we all are trying to get to.  While two months of not having her here with us is painful, she is healed and watching over us. 

A Love Hate Relationship

I think this song is beautiful, but it makes me sad. Every time I hear it, I think of Willow. Most days, I have to change the channel when it comes on. The tears come easily, so I only let myself listen to it when I am not headed some where that I will see people I know. No one wants to see a tear stained face. This part of the song gets me every time.

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

Lost

Saturday night, Steve and I had a nice date night planned to celebrate our 5th dating anniversary.  We enjoyed a yummy dinner at one of our favorite places.  When we got home I realized that the bracelet my mom had gotten me to remember Willow was missing.  Steve and I searched the house and the car.  I called the restaurant and left my name and number in case it was found.  We then headed back to the restaurant to search the booth and the parking lot ourselves.  On the ride there the tears started.  We had no luck finding it.  By the time we got home, I was a hot mess.  Tears, mascara and snot were flowing. My husband just held me as I cried.  I know the bracelet could be replaced, but it wouldn’t be the one that my mom had given me. There were so many emotions tied to that bracelet.  Losing it, was like losing another piece of Willow. 
If I get right down to it the melt down was the ugly cycle of grief coming back around.  I knew the break down was coming.  The past few weeks I have been back in the why phase of the grief cycle.  It was only a matter of time before the big break down came.  The bracelet was just the catalyst.  It was a rough evening and a bad morning. I went back to the restaurant this morning to look one more time.  On the way there, I called my mom to tell her about the bracelet.  She told me not to worry and that she would go and buy me another one.  By the time I got home, my sweet husband had already ordered one.  I will have my little piece of Willow back on the 22nd. 

Wherever You Are

 

My teammates presented me with this book last Thursday in memory of Willow.  They said that I could keep it or donate it to the school library.  I came home and read the book.  The message made me tear up.  I decided that I would keep the book in the hopes of one day sharing it with Willow’s little brother or sister. I love my team and all of their support. I am truly blessed to have them. 

Butterfly Wings

I found an organziation that releases butterflies for babies that have gone to soon.  We had a butterfly released in Willow's memory.

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Willow Ann: "Willow Ann Scott. She was born and left us on 9.24.10. (photos 55-63 10/25/10)"

Touched

This morning as I was standing in the hall one of my very sweet coworkers came up to me and gave me a big hug.  She then told me how her church had a mass last night and how she had placed Willow’s name on the alter.  It meant so much to me that she would think of including our daughter in her prayers.  It brought tears to my eyes.

 

Willow has been in the thoughts and prayers of so many. On the day that we picked up Willow’s ashes, a friend from my childhood wrote me.  She told me about how the school her daughter’s attend had a mass for Willow and how they said a prayer for her, Christopher, Steve and myself.  Words can’t explain how much this all means to me.  To have her little soul remember and her name whispered is everything to me.

Another Little Reminder

I ordered this necklace a week after we lost Willow.  It’s has a willow branch on it and I think it is beautiful.

I waited somewhat impatiently for it to get here.  It finally arrive last weekend.  I had the artist had a second disk with Willow’s name and birth date on it.  I love it.

I have my eye on a few more jewels.  I like having a little reminder of her since I can’t have her in my arms. 

First Day Back

Today was my first day back to work.  My doctor felt that physically I would be fine going back and I felt that emotionally I probably needed to go back.  There was a huge part of me that wanted to stay home.  Home is my safety zone, but I know for my well being that I need to get back into a normal routine.    So instead or curling up on the couch,  I got up to the sound of an alarm and went back to school.  By 8:30, I was exhausted, but I made it to 2 which is my planning period.  Then I headed home and took a long nap.  I am very lucky that my team is supportive and doesn’t mind that I am easing back into work and that I have an extremely understanding principal that told me to leave early for as long as I wanted. 

One of my little boys carried these flowers in to school this morning with a big smile.  It certainly started my day of right!

Another mother brought these in for me during lunch.  I have been very blessed by all the support I have received.

Meant to Be Mine

On Monday, I met my dad for lunch in downtown McKinney.  I was a little early and started browsing in the shops.  I found this little W necklace in one of the shops and knew I just had to have it. 

It had the beautiful saying on the front…

And on the back the name of the company was Willow Creek Designs.

I am in love!  I now realize I need to go back and get the C necklace so I can have both kids letters on my chain. 

A Twinkle in the Sky

 

My parents sent us the sweetest gift in memory of Willow.  They had a star named after her.

We were sent a certificate along with the coordinates for her star. 

 

I just love this gift.  One evening last May, Steve, Christopher and I were driving home when I saw a falling star.  Of course I made a wish and then asked the boys if they saw it.  Christopher asked me if I had made a wish and what it was.  I said I couldn’t tell, but my husband instantly said “she wished for a girl.”  He knew my wish.  I got my girl and now she has her very own star.  Thank you Mom and Dad. 

Remember

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Today families from all over will remember the children they have lost.  Today, we remember our daughter Willow Ann.  I was  lucky to have carried her for nearly 29 weeks.  Willow was the child that I had prayed for for years.  She has been gone for 3 weeks.  Our hearts will never truly heal, but we are learning to move forward.  It isn’t easy and some days we stumble.  I have learned it is okay to laugh and it is also okay to cry.  We know she is healed and in Heaven.  We know we will see her and hold her again.  It is because of our faith that we have gotten through the past few months and because we believe in Him that we know we will hold her again.  If we didn’t have that, it would make this so much more difficult. 

~ In her Daddy’s arms and with her huge pink bow hat ~

A Pair of Shoes

 

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown

Two Weeks

 

Two weeks ago you were brought into this world.

Two weeks ago we said hello and good-bye.

Two weeks ago I was on cloud nine and nursing a broken heart.

Two weeks ago you were in my arms.

Today, 14 days later, I brought you home.

It’s not the way I imagined.  Not the way any parent imagines, but it is our reality.  Today sucks.

Our Final Goodbye

Friday night when were moved into our new room, my nurse Sue told me that her friend and fellow nurse Karen was going to dress her and take some pictures for us.  She asked if we would like to have her back again.  I told that we wanted to see her again.  Sue told me that her shift ended at 7 and asked if she could bring her in around 6 a.m.  I told her that sounded perfect. 

Sue came in each hour to check my vitals and every 4 hours to draw blood.  At 5 in the morning she told me she would be back with Willow at 6 and then would take her downstairs  when she left at 7.  She also told me that Willow looked beautiful all dressed up.  It’s what every mother wants to hear.

Sue came in a little after 6.  She carried this little Moses basket and inside was Willow.  They had her wrapped in this beautiful white crocheted blanket.  Willow was laying on a pillow.  She was dressed in a white gown with pink rosebuds  and was wearing a bonnet to match.  In her arms was the matching teddy bear. 

Inside the basket they had tucked her pink hat from the night before and a heart pillow.  She looked so peaceful.  We couldn’t hold her again because she was so fragile.  So the basket was placed on my lap.

It was hard to realize that we only had one more hour with her.  Steve looked on with tears falling from his eyes.  He would sit next to us and then come and stand beside us.  Apparently I told him several times that I was a mother now.  He tells me now that I looked so proud.  I know I was and still am.  I drank in every ounce of her, while trying not to fall asleep.  The medicine and the lack of sleep I had for the past 48 hours was working against me.  I knew that I would regret it if I did.  In between starring at her fingers and toes and her her sweet face, I would tell Steve how this decision was so right.   I told Willow how much I loved her and kissed her forehead.  Now looking back,  I wish I had taken more photos.  I didn’t even pull out my camera. 

~ one of my favorite pictures ~

Karen the sweet nurse who dressed and took care of her the night before came in to tell me she had tried to get Willow’s feet prints on the ornament I had brought.  Unfortunately they wouldn’t turn out.  She asked if she could have her sister, an artist paint something on the ornament instead.  I was so touched and gave her our address.  I can’t wait to see it.  

Sue came to get Willow and asked us which items of Willow’s we wanted to keep .  We could keep it all or send it with her to the funeral home.  I told Sue that I wanted the pink hat, the teddy bear and  the heart pillow. 

The rest could go with her.  I needed to know that she would be wrapped up and warm on her drive across town.  These are things no parents should have to decide.  We are so blessed to have had such compassionate nurses taking care of us. 

Friday Night with Willow

Steve was handed Willow in the OR.  He held her tightly as he watched over me.  When the surgery was finished, I was wheeled back into our room.  I was shaking partly from the coldness of the OR and partly because the epidural was wearing off.  They laid a warming blanket on me, but it still took a couple hours for the shaking to completely stop.  I couldn’t wait for it to end, so I could hold my baby girl. 

~ Steve and Willow ~

(So glad the nurses captured this moment.  Steve with his little bowhead!)

My parents were able to come back and see us right away.  Christopher opted to wait a bit before coming back.  So my parents checked on me and got to see Willow.  Then they took C to dinner down in the cafeteria.  This allowed Steve and I some time with Willow  alone.  Steve later told me he held Willow for 3 hours.  He wanted to keep her warm for when I finally got to hold her.  This brings tears to my eyes even now.  During this time we decided that we didn’t want to have the photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to come.  It is a wonderful organization, but at the moment we wanted to keep it just family.  I think it was a good decision for us, but I do wish I had taken more photos on my own. 

As the shaking ended, Steve was able to hand Willow to me.  It was a bittersweet moment, but one I will remember forever.  I just stared at her little face. She looked so peaceful. 

~ Willow and I ~

I remember telling Steve that I was a mom now and he just smiled and said “yes you are.”  I was on cloud nine at that time. 

Later that evening my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were able to join us.  My parents, Christopher and my brother also came back to the room  When we were all there together, I asked my brother-in-law if he could baptize Willow.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know that Baptists didn’t baptize children.  They feel all children go straight to heaven.  I love that and do believe this, but my family baptizes babies.  So it was important, especially to my brother that she be baptized.  That night with our family making a semi circle around Willow and I, my brother Jason baptized Willow.  It was the most touching moment.  It was hard for Jason to get through the prayer, but he did an amazing job and it truly meant the world to me.  There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.  Then my sister-in-law, Lisa said an amazing prayer. 

Our families left.  During this time, I was able to unwrapped Willow so I could gaze are her little feet and hands and fully inspect her tiny parts.  I was scared to do it early because she was so fragile and I didn’t think I could wrap her back up tightly.  This is when I learned that she and I had the same feet!  Oh she was heavenly. 

My fabulous night nurse, Sue came back to get Willow.  She said that her friend and fellow nurse Karen was going to dress her and take some more pictures of Willow.  I asked her if she could put her feet prints on the ornament that I had gotten from the String of Pearls care package.  Sue, said Karen would take care of it. 

They moved me to a more private room.  The room was on the end of the labor and delivery wing and away from crying babies.  They were all so supportive of our situation and tried to make it as easy as possible for us.  Steve and I were finally able to try and sleep.  Resting wasn’t easy that night.  My nurse was checking vitals every hour and drawing blood every 4 hours.  I do know that I went to bed that night as a mom. 

5:08 pm

Birth Story Part 2

Once I had the epidural and was placed on the OR table things went very fast.  I remember shaking because the room was so cold.  Steve later told me it was 62 degrees.  They had placed a blanket across my arms and chest and had warm arm blowing  through a vent across it, but it didn’t help much.  Steve sat to my left and held my shaking hand.  Before we knew it an ooey, gooey, beautiful Willow was placed between us. Neither one of us expected her so soon.  We were both taken back at how quickly it had all happened.  She was on a yellow blanket and as the nurse turned her, Willow open her eyes at Steve.  She then turned her so that I could see her and I remember saying “oh” and Lisa said “did you see something.”  I said “yes her eyes moved to mine.”  She said “I saw it.”  In the time they took Willow to be measured and bathed she passed away.  They brought her back and handed her to Steve and told us that she was no longer with us.  They dressed her in this little pink hat with a huge bow on it.  The hat was bigger than her, but oh so cute!  They wrapped our little bundle in a pink and white blanket to match.  Our one regret now is that Steve didn’t take her right away and hold her from the beginning.  

Steve held our daughter and cried.  I smiled the rest of the surgery because she had been born alive.  My greatest wish had come true.  The image of him holding Willow and wiping away tears will forever remain with me. 

She was born at 5:08 pm on 9.24.2010.  She weighed in at 1 pound and was 11.5 inches long.  She was beautiful and perfect on the outside.  The only outward appearance of triploidy was on her hands.  Her long graceful fingers were webbed together.  Her feet were beautiful and definitely mine.  She was bald (although I am confidante when I met her in Heaven she will be a red head) and had an adorable button nose.  She was ours and I feel so lucky to have been blessed with her even if our time together was way too short. 

A Perfect Storm

Birth Story Part 1

That is how my husband describes 9.24.2010.   Since the end of July, I had been going to see my  OB every 2 weeks.  During each visit my blood pressure, urine and Willow’s heartbeat were monitored.  On September 17th, I went for our usual visit and also had the test completed for gestational diabetes.  Everything looked good at that visit.  My blood pressure was my normal 110 over 80 and Willow’s heartbeat was a good strong 130.  We didn’t have any other concerns. 

That all began to change last Thursday (9.23.2010).  Thursday, I came home from work with what I thought was heartburn.  I really thought it was all due to eating my lunch  and an after school snack very fast.  Our dinner  that evening wasn’t easy on the tummy either.  The pain continued throughout the night and I tried some over the counter medicines to help relieve the pain.  We went to bed and I tossed and turned.  I finally ended up on the couch because I didn’t want to bother Steve.  At some point I did fall asleep and he came out to wake me up when the alarm went off.  The heartburn pain was still there, but I got showered and ready for school anyway.  I went to put my wedding ring on and I couldn’t.  I chalked it up to some pregnancy swelling. 

As the morning wore on and I still had no relief.  Steve and I were instant messaging each other and he tried to suggest calling the doctor.  At one point, I decided that I might as well check it all out.  I am so thankful I made that call.  The nurse at my doctor’s office told me to try taking a different heartburn medicine and she would call me back.  I went to the school nurse, but she only had Tums.  So I took 2 more of those and waited for the nurse to call me back.  She called me back and said they wanted me to come in and have my blood pressure and urine checked that day.  I told her I would be in around 12:30.  I was telling my coworker Carole what the nurse said and she encouraged me to go see our school nurse and have it checked right away.  I did.  Catherine, our school nurse, checked my blood pressure 3 times to make sure and when she got done, she told me that she wanted me to call the doctor back with my numbers.  She wouldn’t let me leave her office, so I knew it was pretty serious.  I had to leave a message and when Dee Dee called me back she said “you just won yourself a trip to labor and deliver.”  I had already called Steve, who was on his way to get me.   I called him back to let me know we weren’t heading to the doctor but the hospital.  In the middle of that conversation, Catherine offered to drive me to the hospital so that Steve could meet me there.  The hospital was halfway between my school and Steve’s office.  I am so grateful, Catherine could drive me.  It worked out perfectly.

Once we got checked in at the labor and delivery, we headed back to a room and I got dressed into a orange moo moo gown.  When Steve saw me in the gown he said “I shouldn’t see you in that for 30 more years!” The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor and a monitor for Willow’s heartbeat.  Blood was drawn.  At one point, Willow’s heartbeat went down and a flurry of nurses came into the room.  We had been told that the hospital would be notified of Willow’s diagnosis.  Unfortunately, we arrived before our paperwork, so we had to explain to the nurse about her condition.  Once they were aware, the monitors came off.  I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and started on an iv of magnesium sulfate.   I was at risk for seizures, but the magnesium would stop this from occurring.   I was warned that it would make me feel awful.  It did.  I started getting flushed and may have been nauseas, but I still had the pain in my ribs. We knew at some point we would be delivering Willow that weekend.

During this time we also met with Lisa, a NICU nurse. She was incredibly kind and gentle.  Together we discussed our wishes of comfort care for Willow.  We knew that the chances of Willow being born alive were great, but we didn’t know how long she would live.   We were able to discuss what comfort care meant to all of us.    We were told they would dress her and take photos.  We were also given the number to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, so we could contact a professional photographer in the area to take pictures after the delivery. 

The nurses were in contact with my doctor who was still deciding how to proceed.  With additional lab work, it was discovered that the preeclampsia went even further into HELLP syndrome (H -- hemolysis; EL -- elevated liver enzymes; LP -- low platelet count).  Delivering the placenta would immediately help these numbers.   At one point the nurse came in and told us the doctors were on their way and that they were going to be doing a c section.  The c section was being scheduled at 5.  This took me by surprise, as I had never even considered a c section.  By this time my parents were on their way to get Christopher.  Steve’s mom was on her way, as were my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law.  Steve and I decided he had enough time to pick Christopher up from school and could explain everything one more time to him.  Steve hurried home to get C as well as my camera, our box of goodies and her outfit. 

In the time Steve was gone, Doctor McIntire came in as did my parents.  She was able to explain the situation to all of us.  I made a few more phone calls and as I was doing this the nurse was prepping me for surgery.  The doctors were waiting for another patient to come out of the OR.  As soon as it was free, I was going in.  They didn’t wait until 5.  Steve walked back in the room and was immediately told to dress in his scrubs.  I was wheeled out of the room and into the ice cold OR.  I didn’t even get to say good bye to my parents or see Christopher.  I don’t think Steve and I said a word to each other either.  The  anesthesiologist got me ready for surgery.  A tent was put up in front of me and things went fast from there.  

A Note

Last weekend I was all prepared to do a big blog post on being 28 weeks along and also wanted to take a picture of my growing belly.  Sadly, we didn’t get the opportunity to take our picture.  After finding out in July about Willow, it took me awhile to work through all of my emotions  I had to stop getting the pregnancy email updates and reading the pregnancy books. It made me sad.  Over the past month though, I had embraced how special and amazing an opportunity it is to carry a baby.  It has been the biggest dream of mine for a very long time.  During the last few weeks, I got to enjoy her kicking and sweet little movements.  I had friends tell me how cute my growing belly looked.  It was nice to be able to have some normal moments. 

During the past 6 weeks I have also been blessed by the support of everyone that surrounds me.  This has included my amazing team, everyone on staff at the school and my student’s parents.  I wanted to share one of my favorite letters.  It is from a father in my classroom and it truly touched me. 

Dear Stacey,

Y***** told me last night about your special pregnancy, I have always considered you and all of X’s teachers as members of our family and we are here for you if you need anything at all… one thought that I always keep in mind that, God carefully chooses highly blessed people to take care of the angels that come to this life, we are very lucky and fortunate to be chosen for this noble and blessed event..

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.. We are here for you and God bless you!

Willow Ann

 

Born into our arms, now waiting in heaven.

Willow Ann Scott

born on 9.24.10 at 5:08 pm. 

weighed 1 pound and was 11.5 inches long. 

Start of School

Christopher and I both started school last week.  He is in 7th grade and had to unfortunately go to the new middle school on the other side of our subdivision.  This year he has math, language arts, Texas history, science, tennis, multimedia and video production and art.  He likes his teachers and says that the new middle school is the nicest middle school he has ever seen.  So we are off to a good start!

I too had a good start to school.  I did share the news of Willow Ann with my staff as well as the parents of my students.  It wasn’t easy, but I am glad I did.  Everyone has been incredibly supportive.  I am truly blessed to work in the school that I do, with the team that I have and under the leadership of a very understanding principal. 

Sweetest Thing

I just had to get our little one a cute little outfit to wear at the hospital.  This picture doesn’t really show how small the dress is.  I couldn’t believe the size of it.  It is is sweet and heartbreaking all at the same time.  I have great hopes that she will get to at least one pound.  As of tomorrow, Willow will be 25 weeks.  We needed to get to 25 weeks so that a photographer from the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep could come and take pictures or our family at the hospital.  I pray that it works out and they are able to come.

Special Package

String of Pearls is an amazing organization that offers support to families who have been given a fatal prenatal diagnosis.  I contacted the founder Laura over a month ago.  She quickly mailed out the most amazing package of keepsakes.  We were given an ornament that we can stamp a print of Willow’s feet on, a photo album and some plaster in which we can make prints of molds of both her hands and feet.  There was also a journal and book to help us through this time.  These are packed in the closet waiting her arrival.  Laura has also emailed me to let me know she is thinking of us.  These emails come at the most perfect times. 

A Little Something

My mom stopped by about 2 weeks ago to have some lunch before she and my dad left for a vacation.  She gave me this beautiful bracelet so that I would have something to remind me of Willow.  It is a small, delicate silver bracelet with a pink sapphire stone.  I have been wearing it a lot and absolutely love it!  Thank you Mom!

I Will Carry You

I came across the blog Bring the Rain a few years ago.  I read the words Angie Smith wrote about her daughter Audrey Caroline and thought it was just so sad.  Never did I think, I would be in the same position.  I am currently reading her book I Will Carry You.  Here is a song that her husband wrote for their daughter.  I warn you that if you watch the video be prepared with some Kleenex.  I watched it on Friday and when Steve got home he said “are you okay?”  My eyes were still a little red and puffy!  I think the song is just beautiful and completely captures how we feel. 

 

 

I Will Carry You by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take,
Things I wanted to show you,
Sing sweet lullabys,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not,
Truth is I'm barely hangin' on,
There's a greater story
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this.

Chours:
I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All my life,
I will praise the One,
Who's chosen me,
To carry you.

Bridge:
Such a short time,
Such a long road,
All this maddness,
But I know,
That the silence,
Has brought me to His voice,
And He said,

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning,
Walked her through the parted sea,
Angel lullabys,
No more teary eyes,
Who could love her like this?"

Chours:
I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All your life,
I will praise the One,
Who's chosen me,
To carry you.

BNL Concert

On Tuesday, Steve and I had a little date night in honor of his birthday!  We went to see Barenaked Ladies, a band he loves!  We had great seats and the enjoyed the show.  Steve was a little disappointed because one of the lead singers was no longer in the band.  The concert and the songs were still good though!  I think Willow also enjoyed her first concert experience!  I felt her moving a little bit. 

  

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Super Hero #16

One of my students had an obsession with superheroes for a while this spring.  He had given each one a number up to 15.  I tried to get him to say #16 Ms. Scott for a long time.  His parents spent one weekend drilling him on it and I finally achieved super hero status!

These days I wish I could be a super hero.  I wish I could make our world right and the pain go away.  I wish I could be as strong as a super hero is ALL the time.  I try to be strong,.  I can smile, I can laugh and I can go on with my day.  There are moments though that I am week and the pain and sadness catch me off guard.  These days tears seem to come easily and at the strangest most unexpected moments.   Like last weekend when I listened to Steve wake C up.  It was sad for me to realize that Willow will never be woken up by him singing to her.  These times are hard.

As hard as this is to say, I am glad to know our outcome.  We have started the grieving process now and can plan for the days ahead.  I have been reading blogs by woman who have lost their children.  Most of whom the loss was unexpected.  I can’t imagine how that would feel.  This is hard enough. 

I have two more weeks and then head back to work, I will be wearing my super hero cape then.  I don’t know to tell an entire staff about our daughter and I really don’t want to have them look at me with pity and sadness.  That is the worst.  I must say, that I am fortunate enough to work with the most supportive staff.   I just want the first week to go by fast and then I can hide in my cave of a classroom with my kiddos. 

July 21, 2010

Last Friday, I finally called my Ob to see if she would continue seeing us through this pregnancy.  Frankly, I had been putting off the call because I am sick of doctors.  It seems like the past few weeks we have either been at a doctor’s office or calling one on the phone.  My Ob’s nurse called me back and said Dr. M wanted us to go meet with the Dr. Z, the high risk doctor.  I kindly told her that we had already spoken with him.  The nurse told me that they were aware of the meeting, but that Dr. M wanted us to have a counseling session regarding our decision and then she would see us on August 2nd.   I called Steve and told him that I felt like a walking plague.  Alas, we scheduled our appointment with Dr. Z. 

On Wednesday, Steve and I walked back into Children’s and again we were not only impressed with the hospital, but the staff in the maternal fetal medicine area.  The nurse (who happens to be my best friends sister-in-law, but I didn’t know this until after our first appointment) checked my vitals and got me ready for an ultrasound.  She said Dr. Z would take a peak since he hadn’t see the little one yet.  Another sonographer came in and took some initial shots and measurements. She also recorded the ultrasound so we have video of Willow!  It is hard to see her on the screen and realize she is a sick little girl.   She was sleeping peaceful and had a heartbeat of 144.   Oh, I love her so and think she has the cutest little feet and the most beautiful little spine.  Dr. Z came in along with our first sonographer.  Steve and I think she was watching because this was her first case of triploidy.  I am content with this because our daughter could a offer a teaching experience.  Dr. Z was very down to earth and said “well, I didn’t expect to see you two back so soon!”  We do like him and feel comfortable with him.  He too thought we had covered everything last week, but did offer a few things to consider as we go forth.  He again said the rest of the pregnancy would be about my health.   He took a peak and mentioned some concerns that were not told to us by our original high risk doctor.  This was a little upsetting.  I see why our original doctor may not have mentioned all of the soft markers he saw in the ultrasound at first, but I really wish that after the amino he had asked us to come back in and explain everything that is going on with Willow.  On Wednesday we learned there are issues with her central nervous system, a very small stomach and  that she has no kidneys. She did gain 2ounces and now weighs about 7 ounces.  She still measures a few weeks behind in all areas.  This is apart of triploidy.  We continue to count our blessings and enjoy the time that we have with her.  This is not to say that we don’t have our moments and that this is not difficult, but we are doing so much better this week. 

What’s in a Name?

Last Saturday, I told Steve that I wanted to give our daughter a name.  He said “okay” and then I bawled and couldn’t tell him the name I was thinking of.  Eventually, I pulled myself together and told him Willow.  I am not gonna lie, there was another girl name on the table, but this one seemed to fit better.   Willow was one that Steve had suggested many months before.  I am not sure if he was serious about it or not.   The name had been going through my mind ever since the doctor said those fateful words on Wednesday.  It seemed to fit her and our situation. Her movements on the ultrasound were graceful like branches on a willow tree.  She is also so very tiny and probably won’t grow very big on Earth, but in Heaven she will grow big and strong.  Our hearts will always weep for Willow.  It is the perfect name for her.

Our daughter’s name:  Willow Ann Scott

Oh and Amy if you read this..do you remember playing under the willow tree in the common area when we were little?  The branches touched the ground and we would hide under there for hours.  Such fond memories!

July 7, 2010

This was the day we had been looking forward to for many weeks.  We were having the big ultrasound and would be finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl.  C was visiting him mom in Houston, so we flew him in for the big day.  We took two cars to the doctor’s office because the plan was after the ultrasound, C and I would go and get cupcakes, mess around and then head back to the airport.  Steve, unfortunately had a meeting he needed to get to that afternoon.  We waited anxiously for a little while, with C still saying he wanted a brother.  Then it was our turn.  The doctor came in and told us again that the blood work done at 13 weeks looked good.  Today they would be looking at the anatomy and hopefully be able to tell us the gender for sure.  We were excited.  Christopher sat beside me and Steve was standing next to him.  The doctor started off looking at her brain and said there was a little fluid there, but it looked good.  He moved to the sweet little face and said it all looked good.  Then he moved down to the heart.  He was able to enlarge it so we could see it beating.  It was an amazing sight.  It had all 4 chambers and looked good.  He turned the sound on so we could hear the heart beating.  It was as usually 152 beats a minute.  Then he moved on down to her abdomen.  Again the baby was measuring small.  He did say the weight was about 5 ounces.  He confirmed that it was a girl and I was beyond excited.  We could see her little hands folded over her body and moving up and down.  The doctor moved down to her beautiful little feet.  The were perfect and just adorable.  The doctor commented on her being an actively one.  You could see her feet moving all around.  Then he went back to her hands.  I should have been concerned but I wasn’t.  He wanted to see them open and shut, but he couldn’t get an image of that.  He finished and said those fateful words “I am a little concerned because she is measuring small and her fingers appear to be overlapping.  There is a possibility of trisomy 18 and I would suggest that we do an amnio today to rule it out.”  That was my biggest fear.  I just wanted to leave with my latest ultrasound photo and start shopping.  C went out to the lobby and waited while the doctor completed the amnio.  He said we would have the initial results back in 48 hours. 

We left the office and in a state of shock. I found the nearest bathroom and the tears began to flow.  I pulled myself together, washed my face and went to find my boys.  We did manage to get C a cupcake for the road.  While we waited, Steve said he would take C to the airport and that I could head home.   I was so glad her offered because I wasn’t sure I could hold it together all afternoon and didn’t want to C to see me upset.  When I got in my car, I wanted to call my mom, but I was afraid to drive and cry so I waited the 40 minutes until I got home.  Angie, my best friend called as I was entering the house.  I told her it was a girl and then started crying.  She cried as I told her the news and then reassured me that everything would be fine.  I called my mom and she and I cried on the phone.  I asked if she could call my dad.  Then I started researching on the internet.  It can be an evil thing.  I was trying to look up all other possibilities for her hands overlapping.  Anything where I would get to bring her home and raise her.  Steve made it home and some how we managed to go out to dinner.  We talked a little, but somehow I knew that the news wasn’t going to be good. 

The next 48 hours were the longest of my life.  Thursday, I couldn’t move.  I was basically comatose on the couch.  My mom and dad both called to check on me.  Angie called to see if I wanted to go to lunch on Friday.  I thought it would be a nice distraction.  Both Wednesday and Thursday very little sleep was gotten by Steve and myself.  On Friday, I did wake up feeling at peace with everything.  I made it through lunch with Angie, but on the way home I suddenly got nervous about the phone call.  I watched mindless television waiting.  Dr. W, called around 1. He started explaining the results.  I only heard a portion of what he said.  The words incompatible with life kept ringing in my head.   He said that Dr. M would be able to help us go through our possible choices and that if she couldn’t help us with termination, he could. I thanked him and immediately called Steve.  I told him what the doctor had said about 3 chromosomes and he immediately started googling it.  Unfortunately in my not hearing all of it, I didn’t get the full information.  Steve tried calling back, but the office was closed. He had the doctor paged and over a week later we are still waiting for a call back.  In the meantime, my obgyn’s office was notified of the results and Laurie the sweet nurse called to tell me how sorry she was and to set up a time to meet with Dr. M.  Phone calls were made to my parents and my best friend.  Lots of tears were shed.  When we began with the high risk testing, it was to assure us that the baby would be fine and determine if the possibility of down’s syndrome existed.  We just wanted to have all the information so we could be ready to bring our child home.  We never imagined it would end this way.  I am sure most parents on this same journey feel this way.  

Christopher had spent the last few days worrying.  He was calling and checking on me each evening.  On Friday, Steve told him that the baby would not live.  He cried.  That broke my heart, but at the same time made us feel good.  He had been such a teenager about the baby and admittedly was not happy about us having a crying  baby around the house. Seeing him get upset, told us that he might have been okay with the whole baby thing after all.  Knowing he was upset and he wasn’t with us to be comforted was hard though.  It would have been nice to have him home so we could all grieve together. 

We spent the weekend assuming it was trisomy 18.  It wasn’t until we met with Dr. M on Monday that we learned it was triploidy.  It is a rare lethal chromosome abnormality.  Our daughter has 69 chromosomes, rather than 46.  You can read more about it here.  Basically, it is a miracle that she has made it this far.  We don’t know how long she will live.  There is a strong possibility that she will pass away in utero.  If she is born alive, she may only live for a couple of hours.  The doctors we had been in contact with did recommend that we terminate the pregnancy.  In fact, that is where I was leaning.  I’m being honest here incase other families going through this stumble upon my blog.  I didn’t know if I could continue to carry our daughter, go through labor and delivery and not take her home with me.  It seemed so very painful.  We had spent the weekend discussing it and talked with all of our parents. We are very lucky to have such supportive family and friends in our lives.  Part of us believed on Monday, when we met with Dr. M that we would be sent to the hospital next door to start the procedure.  Unfortunately, for couples in Texas who are in similar situations this is not the case.  We were given the name of a clinic in Dallas that we could go to.  We were warned of possible protestors and that just made me sad and disgusted.  It made my husband extremely upset.  I couldn’t believe that I might have to cross a picket line and be yelled at when the child I was carrying was very much wanted and loved.  That afternoon, we did contact Dr. W. to see if he could help us within a hospital setting.  It was another road block.  He too, gave us the name of a clinic and did warn of possible protestors.    We decided to meet with the other high risk doctor to see what suggestions he would offer.  He was able to squeeze us in on Wednesday afternoon.  

In the meantime, I did schedule an appointment at one of the clinics. After I got off the phone with them, I bawled for over an hour.  The imagines of her ultrasound kept playing in my head.  I could see her heart beating, her feet moving and her hands grasped together in front of her.  After getting all the information from Dr. Z and being reassured that future pregnancies wouldn’t be affected by this, we went home to talk.  We had a lot to discuss and both of us cried.  It was not an easy decision to make or one that was made lightly.  I was still scared that I wasn’t strong enough to make it through this pregnancy.  We talked honestly and discussed our options, in the end the only decision that we could both live with was continuing on with the pregnancy.  It was a good decision for us as a couple and a right decision for our daughter.   Nobody said parenting was easy.  We decided to create this child and we would be the ones to carry her to heaven.  Neither one of us could knowingly watch as the doctors stopped her heart and then took her from my body.  I know that I would have been sedated, but I am sure it would have been a decision that would have haunted me for the rest of my life.  That being said, I do understand if couples with a fatal diagnosis do choose to terminate.  Tears were shed and will continue to be shed.    With the support of our friends and family we will make it through this time. 

I have been reading about other women who have carried their children with fatal diagnoses.  They seem amazingly strong and brave.  I only hope I can be as strong as they are.  All this being said, I still ask why her?, why me?, why us?, will I ever get to raise a baby?  Many people have told us that God has a plan for us.  I wish this wasn’t the plan he had in mind and I wish I knew what his plan was for our future.  As, Steve told me the other night, God needed Willow and so we will carry her to him.  I do hope to be able to hold my daughter alive, see her look at me and be able to tell her that I love her, even if it is just for a minute.

Words to Remember

I saw these on another blog and thought they seemed fitting….

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

 “But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

Four Months

 

This week marked the start of month number 4!  There is a tiny baby bump that is starting to show as I end week 16.  During week 15, I experienced an aversion to meat.  I just couldn’t eat it.  It looked good on other people’s plates, just the thought of eating it was enough to send me over the edge.  This week, I could eat it again though. 

On July 1st, I was laying in bed and felt the baby move!  At least I thought I did, I had to confirm with the little one’s Dad!  It was 3 quick and light little jabs on the left side of my belly.  I was thrilled and have been patiently waiting to feel it again!  As we enter week 17, it brings Christopher home for our big sonogram.  Hopefully on Wednesday we will be able to find out if we are having a boy or a girl! 

June 18th

On June 18th, I had another check up with Dr. McIntire.  I was 14 weeks along.  She had received all results from our NT ultrasound and thought everything looked good.  Dr. McIntire asked if Dr. Weiss was able to tell us the gender of the baby.  I told her he said “It looks like a girl, but don’t paint the room yet.”  She laughed when I told her that my husband and son were still holding out for a boy!  {for the baby – your Daddy doesn’t want a girl because he doesn’t want to have to deal with boyfriends!}  She found the babies heartbeat immediately this time.  It was a good solid 150.   Dr. McIntire said if you believe in old wives tales then the heartbeat suggests a girl.  She then said she doesn’t believe in old wives tales! Either way, it is such a relief to hear that sound at each appointment! 

One Down, Two to Go

The first trimester ended on June 15th.  I can’t believe it went by so fast!  With the exception of feeling queasy  about 80% of the time, I think the first 13 weeks went by rather easily.  It could have had something to do with the end of the school year or the curriculum project I was trying to complete by June 1st, but the weeks just flew by.  During the first trimester,  I didn’t have any weird cravings or food aversions.  In the beginning, I did crave salt and then it moved on to fruit. As week 13 ended, I still hadn’t gained any weight.  I wasn’t showing, although I felt like my stomach was growing.

Sweet Child of Mine

Last week, I met with my new doctor and got to hear the baby’s heartbeat.  It was 160.  Today, I got to see a the baby.  Since, I am 35 and considered high risk, my doctor suggested this ultrasound.  The doctor looked at the baby and also did some blood work.  The doctor said the baby looked healthy.  He let me hear the heartbeat again today.  It was 152.  The doctor asked, if I wanted to know the gender.  I said “yes!”  He said he wouldn’t paint the room yet, but believes it’s a girl!  Steve and Christopher are still set on it being a boy.  We go back in 5 weeks and will be able to find out for sure!  Using the baby’s measurements today, the doctor also changed my due date to December 14th.   I can’t wait to see this sweet face on July 7th!

Belly Shots

                1 month                                   2 months                                  Almost 3 months

No noticeable belly yet!  I am still wearing my usual clothes and haven’t gained any weight.  The first trimester is moving along.  Two more weeks left and then we move on to the second trimester!  It seems to have moved along rather quickly.  I have felt pretty good.  Until this past week, I spent most days queasy, but it was bearable. I have also felt tired, but I think it has had more to do with the end of the year.  On the weekends, I do enjoy some very long naps!

Double Rainbow

A month ago, Christopher and I were driving home from karate and saw a double rainbow.  We had never seen one before, so as I drove he took pictures!

Mother’s Day

This was a first for me.  This year, C was at home to celebrate.  That, coupled with k2 growing in the belly, made for a perfect day!  We drove down and had brunch with my parents.  My mom and dad gave me my first baby’s gift!  I got some adorable outfits and blankets that I can’t wait to use!

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Then for dinner, Steve and Christopher took me out for dinner and desert.  We enjoyed cheesecake for the Cheesecake Factory!  It was heaven! 

First Pictures

On April 20th, Steve and I had our first visit doctors appointment.  We found out that I was 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  The little lima bean will be here December 7, 2010.  We then got to have an ultrasound.  The baby looked healthy and had a heartbeat of 139.  It was an absolutely amazing sight!  As Steve drove home, I stared at the pictures. It’s hard to believe that this little being belongs to me!

The first look at k2 (kid 2)!