Break Down

A few weeks ago, I had a break down.  I should have seen it coming. I am good at knowing the signs and warning the husband, but I missed them.  So at 4 in the morning, I found the tears starting.  I thought I could push them away, but I couldn’t.  My husband woke to a mess.  He quietly waited for me the crying to pass and then I told him how sad I was that I wouldn’t be able to buy things for Willow.  I would never buy her Easter dresses or get a room ready for her.  I would never get to have Mommy/daughter outings.  It’s not to say that I am not thrilled to be having a healthy happy boy, but I was just sad to miss out on all of these things too.  I want all my kids here, to watch them all grow up. Some times life just sucks and that Sunday morning I was feeling it. 

A Rainbow

 

A rainbow is a promise of sunshine after the rain, of calm after storms, of joy after sadness, of peace after pain, of love after loss.

 

Meet our rainbow…

In the baby loss community, it is said the baby born after the loss of a child is a rainbow.  Our rainbow baby is due August 14th. 

Today, we met with our specialist for the second time.  He again confirmed a healthy baby and this time we were also told that it’s a boy! 

~ in love ~

Love it

Image via

Just Because…

Faith

 

Last year, my word for the year was hope.  We successfully survived 2011.  We had more laughter than tears.  We survived many firsts without Willow.  My word for this year is faith.  I have faith that my family will remain healthy and strong. Faith that we will continue to laugh and enjoy each other. Faith that we will find our rainbow in the storm that we have survived.

One Year…

One year ago, Steve and I found ourselves in the hospital.  One year ago, we said “hello and goodbye” in a matter of minutes.  One year ago, our lives were forever changed, when we met Willow Ann.  We are one year closer to holding her again. 

(picture from my wonderful friend, Erika)

Friends

At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as friends deserted me-some because they cared about me and it hurt them to see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability, and that was more than they could handle. BUT real friends overcame their discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel better, they sat in silence and I loved them for it." - Harold Kushner (thanks Unspoken Grief for sharing!)

This quote speaks volumes to me.  Over the past year, so many people have supported me, but others have found it difficult to relate to the loss of my daughter.  I have been blessed by two amazing friends that always know when I need some words of encouragement.  They let me vent and offer advice.   They are not afraid to speak her name and for that I am so grateful.  Thank you Erika and Carole for standing by me this past year.