Thankful

As difficult as our lives have been since July, we have also come to realize how blessed we truly are.  We have experienced such pain and heartache, but we have found that there is much to be thankful for too.  So as we join our family today, here are some things I need to give thanks for:

• My husband, who continues to be my pillar of strength.  He makes me smile, laugh and also wipes the tears.  He makes this journey so much easier.
• Christopher, the person that made us get on with our daily routine.  We both wanted to keep things as normal as possible for him and for us.  He puts a smile on our faces and gives us a reason to laugh and be thankful.
• Our families who have gone through the heartache right along with us.  They comfort us, take care of us and continue to check on us.
• Our friends – those near and far.  The support and words of encouragement that you have sent our way, we so value and appreciate. 
• Our doctors and nurses – they took tremendous care of me when I was so sick.  I was close to being put in ICU and their care kept me with Willow and my family.  The nursing staff was so compassionate and gentle and we will forever remember them for that. 

And last but not least, I am thankful for the few minutes we got with Willow Ann.  Getting to see her open her eyes was something I prayed for and an image that I will never forget.  With time we are healing, but we will always miss her.  Today we have much to be thankful for.

Two Months

It is hard to believe that two months have passed since Willow was born.  The past two months have brought a myriad of feelings and thoughts.  I never expected to lose a baby, no one ever does.  I am still very thankful that I had the opportunity to carry Willow for as long as I did, but I still feel robbed.   No one expects to experience motherhood in this way, no one should.   Life is unfair and I try not to dwell on this for very long.  I also try not to think of where I would be had we not received a fatal diagnosis.  It’s easy for me to go there, but it always brings me down.

People ask me how I am doing.  I think the word okay says it perfectly.  When I tell people, “I am well.”  I know this is not completely true and that I am masking my broken heart.  Physically, I am healed from the surgery and free from doctor’s appointments.  Emotionally, I am able to laugh and enjoy life.  Sometimes I feel guilty about this.   The rollercoaster of emotions is nothing I have experienced before.   I can feel happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy and guilt all in one day.  From what I have read this is typical.

I do feel blessed that Willow was given to me.  I just wished that I could have had longer with her.  I know and my husband keeps telling me that Willow is in a better place.  That she is where we all are trying to get to.  While two months of not having her here with us is painful, she is healed and watching over us. 

A Love Hate Relationship

I think this song is beautiful, but it makes me sad. Every time I hear it, I think of Willow. Most days, I have to change the channel when it comes on. The tears come easily, so I only let myself listen to it when I am not headed some where that I will see people I know. No one wants to see a tear stained face. This part of the song gets me every time.

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

Lost

Saturday night, Steve and I had a nice date night planned to celebrate our 5th dating anniversary.  We enjoyed a yummy dinner at one of our favorite places.  When we got home I realized that the bracelet my mom had gotten me to remember Willow was missing.  Steve and I searched the house and the car.  I called the restaurant and left my name and number in case it was found.  We then headed back to the restaurant to search the booth and the parking lot ourselves.  On the ride there the tears started.  We had no luck finding it.  By the time we got home, I was a hot mess.  Tears, mascara and snot were flowing. My husband just held me as I cried.  I know the bracelet could be replaced, but it wouldn’t be the one that my mom had given me. There were so many emotions tied to that bracelet.  Losing it, was like losing another piece of Willow. 
If I get right down to it the melt down was the ugly cycle of grief coming back around.  I knew the break down was coming.  The past few weeks I have been back in the why phase of the grief cycle.  It was only a matter of time before the big break down came.  The bracelet was just the catalyst.  It was a rough evening and a bad morning. I went back to the restaurant this morning to look one more time.  On the way there, I called my mom to tell her about the bracelet.  She told me not to worry and that she would go and buy me another one.  By the time I got home, my sweet husband had already ordered one.  I will have my little piece of Willow back on the 22nd. 

Wherever You Are

 

My teammates presented me with this book last Thursday in memory of Willow.  They said that I could keep it or donate it to the school library.  I came home and read the book.  The message made me tear up.  I decided that I would keep the book in the hopes of one day sharing it with Willow’s little brother or sister. I love my team and all of their support. I am truly blessed to have them. 

Butterfly Wings

I found an organziation that releases butterflies for babies that have gone to soon.  We had a butterfly released in Willow's memory.

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Willow Ann: "Willow Ann Scott. She was born and left us on 9.24.10. (photos 55-63 10/25/10)"

Touched

This morning as I was standing in the hall one of my very sweet coworkers came up to me and gave me a big hug.  She then told me how her church had a mass last night and how she had placed Willow’s name on the alter.  It meant so much to me that she would think of including our daughter in her prayers.  It brought tears to my eyes.

 

Willow has been in the thoughts and prayers of so many. On the day that we picked up Willow’s ashes, a friend from my childhood wrote me.  She told me about how the school her daughter’s attend had a mass for Willow and how they said a prayer for her, Christopher, Steve and myself.  Words can’t explain how much this all means to me.  To have her little soul remember and her name whispered is everything to me.