Two Months

It is hard to believe that two months have passed since Willow was born.  The past two months have brought a myriad of feelings and thoughts.  I never expected to lose a baby, no one ever does.  I am still very thankful that I had the opportunity to carry Willow for as long as I did, but I still feel robbed.   No one expects to experience motherhood in this way, no one should.   Life is unfair and I try not to dwell on this for very long.  I also try not to think of where I would be had we not received a fatal diagnosis.  It’s easy for me to go there, but it always brings me down.

People ask me how I am doing.  I think the word okay says it perfectly.  When I tell people, “I am well.”  I know this is not completely true and that I am masking my broken heart.  Physically, I am healed from the surgery and free from doctor’s appointments.  Emotionally, I am able to laugh and enjoy life.  Sometimes I feel guilty about this.   The rollercoaster of emotions is nothing I have experienced before.   I can feel happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy and guilt all in one day.  From what I have read this is typical.

I do feel blessed that Willow was given to me.  I just wished that I could have had longer with her.  I know and my husband keeps telling me that Willow is in a better place.  That she is where we all are trying to get to.  While two months of not having her here with us is painful, she is healed and watching over us. 

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