I ordered this necklace a week after we lost Willow. It’s has a willow branch on it and I think it is beautiful.
I waited somewhat impatiently for it to get here. It finally arrive last weekend. I had the artist had a second disk with Willow’s name and birth date on it. I love it.
I have my eye on a few more jewels. I like having a little reminder of her since I can’t have her in my arms.
Today was my first day back to work. My doctor felt that physically I would be fine going back and I felt that emotionally I probably needed to go back. There was a huge part of me that wanted to stay home. Home is my safety zone, but I know for my well being that I need to get back into a normal routine. So instead or curling up on the couch, I got up to the sound of an alarm and went back to school. By 8:30, I was exhausted, but I made it to 2 which is my planning period. Then I headed home and took a long nap. I am very lucky that my team is supportive and doesn’t mind that I am easing back into work and that I have an extremely understanding principal that told me to leave early for as long as I wanted.
On Monday, I met my dad for lunch in downtown McKinney. I was a little early and started browsing in the shops. I found this little W necklace in one of the shops and knew I just had to have it.
It had the beautiful saying on the front…
And on the back the name of the company was Willow Creek Designs.
I am in love! I now realize I need to go back and get the C necklace so I can have both kids letters on my chain.
My parents sent us the sweetest gift in memory of Willow. They had a star named after her.
We were sent a certificate along with the coordinates for her star.
I just love this gift. One evening last May, Steve, Christopher and I were driving home when I saw a falling star. Of course I made a wish and then asked the boys if they saw it. Christopher asked me if I had made a wish and what it was. I said I couldn’t tell, but my husband instantly said “she wished for a girl.” He knew my wish. I got my girl and now she has her very own star. Thank you Mom and Dad.
Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today families from all over will remember the children they have lost. Today, we remember our daughter Willow Ann. I was lucky to have carried her for nearly 29 weeks. Willow was the child that I had prayed for for years. She has been gone for 3 weeks. Our hearts will never truly heal, but we are learning to move forward. It isn’t easy and some days we stumble. I have learned it is okay to laugh and it is also okay to cry. We know she is healed and in Heaven. We know we will see her and hold her again. It is because of our faith that we have gotten through the past few months and because we believe in Him that we know we will hold her again. If we didn’t have that, it would make this so much more difficult.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Two weeks ago you were brought into this world.
Two weeks ago we said hello and good-bye.
Two weeks ago I was on cloud nine and nursing a broken heart.
Two weeks ago you were in my arms.
Today, 14 days later, I brought you home.
It’s not the way I imagined. Not the way any parent imagines, but it is our reality. Today sucks.
Friday night when were moved into our new room, my nurse Sue told me that her friend and fellow nurse Karen was going to dress her and take some pictures for us. She asked if we would like to have her back again. I told that we wanted to see her again. Sue told me that her shift ended at 7 and asked if she could bring her in around 6 a.m. I told her that sounded perfect.
Sue came in each hour to check my vitals and every 4 hours to draw blood. At 5 in the morning she told me she would be back with Willow at 6 and then would take her downstairs when she left at 7. She also told me that Willow looked beautiful all dressed up. It’s what every mother wants to hear.
Sue came in a little after 6. She carried this little Moses basket and inside was Willow. They had her wrapped in this beautiful white crocheted blanket. Willow was laying on a pillow. She was dressed in a white gown with pink rosebuds and was wearing a bonnet to match. In her arms was the matching teddy bear.
Inside the basket they had tucked her pink hat from the night before and a heart pillow. She looked so peaceful. We couldn’t hold her again because she was so fragile. So the basket was placed on my lap.
It was hard to realize that we only had one more hour with her. Steve looked on with tears falling from his eyes. He would sit next to us and then come and stand beside us. Apparently I told him several times that I was a mother now. He tells me now that I looked so proud. I know I was and still am. I drank in every ounce of her, while trying not to fall asleep. The medicine and the lack of sleep I had for the past 48 hours was working against me. I knew that I would regret it if I did. In between starring at her fingers and toes and her her sweet face, I would tell Steve how this decision was so right. I told Willow how much I loved her and kissed her forehead. Now looking back, I wish I had taken more photos. I didn’t even pull out my camera.
Karen the sweet nurse who dressed and took care of her the night before came in to tell me she had tried to get Willow’s feet prints on the ornament I had brought. Unfortunately they wouldn’t turn out. She asked if she could have her sister, an artist paint something on the ornament instead. I was so touched and gave her our address. I can’t wait to see it.
Sue came to get Willow and asked us which items of Willow’s we wanted to keep . We could keep it all or send it with her to the funeral home. I told Sue that I wanted the pink hat, the teddy bear and the heart pillow. 
The rest could go with her. I needed to know that she would be wrapped up and warm on her drive across town. These are things no parents should have to decide. We are so blessed to have had such compassionate nurses taking care of us.
Steve was handed Willow in the OR. He held her tightly as he watched over me. When the surgery was finished, I was wheeled back into our room. I was shaking partly from the coldness of the OR and partly because the epidural was wearing off. They laid a warming blanket on me, but it still took a couple hours for the shaking to completely stop. I couldn’t wait for it to end, so I could hold my baby girl.
~ Steve and Willow ~
(So glad the nurses captured this moment. Steve with his little bowhead!)
My parents were able to come back and see us right away. Christopher opted to wait a bit before coming back. So my parents checked on me and got to see Willow. Then they took C to dinner down in the cafeteria. This allowed Steve and I some time with Willow alone. Steve later told me he held Willow for 3 hours. He wanted to keep her warm for when I finally got to hold her. This brings tears to my eyes even now. During this time we decided that we didn’t want to have the photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to come. It is a wonderful organization, but at the moment we wanted to keep it just family. I think it was a good decision for us, but I do wish I had taken more photos on my own.
As the shaking ended, Steve was able to hand Willow to me. It was a bittersweet moment, but one I will remember forever. I just stared at her little face. She looked so peaceful.
I remember telling Steve that I was a mom now and he just smiled and said “yes you are.” I was on cloud nine at that time.
Later that evening my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were able to join us. My parents, Christopher and my brother also came back to the room When we were all there together, I asked my brother-in-law if he could baptize Willow. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that Baptists didn’t baptize children. They feel all children go straight to heaven. I love that and do believe this, but my family baptizes babies. So it was important, especially to my brother that she be baptized. That night with our family making a semi circle around Willow and I, my brother Jason baptized Willow. It was the most touching moment. It was hard for Jason to get through the prayer, but he did an amazing job and it truly meant the world to me. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Then my sister-in-law, Lisa said an amazing prayer.
Our families left. During this time, I was able to unwrapped Willow so I could gaze are her little feet and hands and fully inspect her tiny parts. I was scared to do it early because she was so fragile and I didn’t think I could wrap her back up tightly. This is when I learned that she and I had the same feet! Oh she was heavenly.
My fabulous night nurse, Sue came back to get Willow. She said that her friend and fellow nurse Karen was going to dress her and take some more pictures of Willow. I asked her if she could put her feet prints on the ornament that I had gotten from the String of Pearls care package. Sue, said Karen would take care of it.
They moved me to a more private room. The room was on the end of the labor and delivery wing and away from crying babies. They were all so supportive of our situation and tried to make it as easy as possible for us. Steve and I were finally able to try and sleep. Resting wasn’t easy that night. My nurse was checking vitals every hour and drawing blood every 4 hours. I do know that I went to bed that night as a mom.
Birth Story Part 2
Once I had the epidural and was placed on the OR table things went very fast. I remember shaking because the room was so cold. Steve later told me it was 62 degrees. They had placed a blanket across my arms and chest and had warm arm blowing through a vent across it, but it didn’t help much. Steve sat to my left and held my shaking hand. Before we knew it an ooey, gooey, beautiful Willow was placed between us. Neither one of us expected her so soon. We were both taken back at how quickly it had all happened. She was on a yellow blanket and as the nurse turned her, Willow open her eyes at Steve. She then turned her so that I could see her and I remember saying “oh” and Lisa said “did you see something.” I said “yes her eyes moved to mine.” She said “I saw it.” In the time they took Willow to be measured and bathed she passed away. They brought her back and handed her to Steve and told us that she was no longer with us. They dressed her in this little pink hat with a huge bow on it. The hat was bigger than her, but oh so cute! They wrapped our little bundle in a pink and white blanket to match. Our one regret now is that Steve didn’t take her right away and hold her from the beginning.
Steve held our daughter and cried. I smiled the rest of the surgery because she had been born alive. My greatest wish had come true. The image of him holding Willow and wiping away tears will forever remain with me.
She was born at 5:08 pm on 9.24.2010. She weighed in at 1 pound and was 11.5 inches long. She was beautiful and perfect on the outside. The only outward appearance of triploidy was on her hands. Her long graceful fingers were webbed together. Her feet were beautiful and definitely mine. She was bald (although I am confidante when I met her in Heaven she will be a red head) and had an adorable button nose. She was ours and I feel so lucky to have been blessed with her even if our time together was way too short.
Birth Story Part 1
That is how my husband describes 9.24.2010. Since the end of July, I had been going to see my OB every 2 weeks. During each visit my blood pressure, urine and Willow’s heartbeat were monitored. On September 17th, I went for our usual visit and also had the test completed for gestational diabetes. Everything looked good at that visit. My blood pressure was my normal 110 over 80 and Willow’s heartbeat was a good strong 130. We didn’t have any other concerns.
That all began to change last Thursday (9.23.2010). Thursday, I came home from work with what I thought was heartburn. I really thought it was all due to eating my lunch and an after school snack very fast. Our dinner that evening wasn’t easy on the tummy either. The pain continued throughout the night and I tried some over the counter medicines to help relieve the pain. We went to bed and I tossed and turned. I finally ended up on the couch because I didn’t want to bother Steve. At some point I did fall asleep and he came out to wake me up when the alarm went off. The heartburn pain was still there, but I got showered and ready for school anyway. I went to put my wedding ring on and I couldn’t. I chalked it up to some pregnancy swelling.
As the morning wore on and I still had no relief. Steve and I were instant messaging each other and he tried to suggest calling the doctor. At one point, I decided that I might as well check it all out. I am so thankful I made that call. The nurse at my doctor’s office told me to try taking a different heartburn medicine and she would call me back. I went to the school nurse, but she only had Tums. So I took 2 more of those and waited for the nurse to call me back. She called me back and said they wanted me to come in and have my blood pressure and urine checked that day. I told her I would be in around 12:30. I was telling my coworker Carole what the nurse said and she encouraged me to go see our school nurse and have it checked right away. I did. Catherine, our school nurse, checked my blood pressure 3 times to make sure and when she got done, she told me that she wanted me to call the doctor back with my numbers. She wouldn’t let me leave her office, so I knew it was pretty serious. I had to leave a message and when Dee Dee called me back she said “you just won yourself a trip to labor and deliver.” I had already called Steve, who was on his way to get me. I called him back to let me know we weren’t heading to the doctor but the hospital. In the middle of that conversation, Catherine offered to drive me to the hospital so that Steve could meet me there. The hospital was halfway between my school and Steve’s office. I am so grateful, Catherine could drive me. It worked out perfectly.
Once we got checked in at the labor and delivery, we headed back to a room and I got dressed into a orange moo moo gown. When Steve saw me in the gown he said “I shouldn’t see you in that for 30 more years!” The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor and a monitor for Willow’s heartbeat. Blood was drawn. At one point, Willow’s heartbeat went down and a flurry of nurses came into the room. We had been told that the hospital would be notified of Willow’s diagnosis. Unfortunately, we arrived before our paperwork, so we had to explain to the nurse about her condition. Once they were aware, the monitors came off. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and started on an iv of magnesium sulfate. I was at risk for seizures, but the magnesium would stop this from occurring. I was warned that it would make me feel awful. It did. I started getting flushed and may have been nauseas, but I still had the pain in my ribs. We knew at some point we would be delivering Willow that weekend.
During this time we also met with Lisa, a NICU nurse. She was incredibly kind and gentle. Together we discussed our wishes of comfort care for Willow. We knew that the chances of Willow being born alive were great, but we didn’t know how long she would live. We were able to discuss what comfort care meant to all of us. We were told they would dress her and take photos. We were also given the number to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, so we could contact a professional photographer in the area to take pictures after the delivery.
The nurses were in contact with my doctor who was still deciding how to proceed. With additional lab work, it was discovered that the preeclampsia went even further into HELLP syndrome (H -- hemolysis; EL -- elevated liver enzymes; LP -- low platelet count). Delivering the placenta would immediately help these numbers. At one point the nurse came in and told us the doctors were on their way and that they were going to be doing a c section. The c section was being scheduled at 5. This took me by surprise, as I had never even considered a c section. By this time my parents were on their way to get Christopher. Steve’s mom was on her way, as were my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Steve and I decided he had enough time to pick Christopher up from school and could explain everything one more time to him. Steve hurried home to get C as well as my camera, our box of goodies and her outfit.
In the time Steve was gone, Doctor McIntire came in as did my parents. She was able to explain the situation to all of us. I made a few more phone calls and as I was doing this the nurse was prepping me for surgery. The doctors were waiting for another patient to come out of the OR. As soon as it was free, I was going in. They didn’t wait until 5. Steve walked back in the room and was immediately told to dress in his scrubs. I was wheeled out of the room and into the ice cold OR. I didn’t even get to say good bye to my parents or see Christopher. I don’t think Steve and I said a word to each other either. The anesthesiologist got me ready for surgery. A tent was put up in front of me and things went fast from there.
